I'm not really sure how to fix this mess but when you look around you and your not sure what's going on you know somethin aint right. Have you ever looked in the mirror and cried? Cried because you don't recognise who you've become, because you don't know how you got there, because you don't like what you become and because you miss the person you used to be.
My mum keeps asking me whats happening, whats wrong. I say I'm fine, always fine. I can't even be bothered hurting myself much, that would involve getting up and doing something so I cant be bothered. I can't see myself getting any work done this weekend and I really need to; I'm a failure big time.
Guess who has moved into my geography and my business studies class? One of the lads who kept touching me in yr 9. One of the ones who kept making me cry, cornering me, laughing at me, saying things to me, about me, giving me panic attacks. I honestly thought I would never have to deal with him again and I tried to forget it all but I couldn't and here he is again. I don't know what to do, i look at him, i hear his laugh and it takes me right back, it makes me feel sick. Sometimes I still feel their hands on me and I feel gross.
I feel so crazy out of control at the moment; sometimes I just lose my grip on everything. I think im just a bit all over the place really. I'm either eating too much or not enough, today I couldn't even be bothered making food so I had a bar of chocolate and then waited for my mum to make me dinner this evening. Tomorrow I will probably eat too much; I always feel fat though no matter what. I'm just ugly, yknow, disgusting. Sometimes I just burst into tears or something because things get hard. I dont really admit it to anyone though, I always say im fine. I'm not fine.
I need someone in real life; I need to tell it all to someone. I need someone to help, to be there, to hug me, to keep me strong. Nobody knows my story though, the full story, nobody can help. I haven't needed CAMHS so much in ages. I thought I could manage but it seems I was wrong. They haven't got me a new therapist yet though, I probably won't get an appointmet for about a month and honestly I really need to talk to someone sooner. I'm seeing my mentor on monday at school and I always intend to tell her whats going on but something just holds me back, i freeze up and then its too late.
I'm ok though. I'm always ok.
