I should probably start off by saying that I know there are alot of people out there with problems more severe than mine... and I shouldnt windge about it... but lately everything is just breaking down inside of me.

Heres the breakdown of my life.

I'm a muslim 16 year old girl. My parents are westernised and are strict in many ways...but I'm not stuck in a religious rut or anything, as my parents are quite leniant. My dads an athiest now, but the rest of my family are still muslim. I, myself dont wear a headscarf or anything, and in fact the only rule I keep nowadays is "Dont eat pork." - but thats mainly because I find the idea of it gross.

Anyway so when I was younger, my dad was abusive towards my mum (and I'm told) towards me - only violently.. not in the more sick and twisted ways you can abuse someone. And my mum  gave birth to my sister (who has ADHD). My parents got divorced when I was seven, and I'm told that my dad lied to me and tried to get back a chance with my mum by making me believe that it was all my responsability. (nowadays I doubt that its as obvious as that..but I'll tell you why in abit).

Anyway alot more has happened, but those are my roots - just to help you understand a bit better what im going to say next. 

My mum told me that the reason for her divorce was my fault. that I ruined everything, that I still do. My sister blames me for everything too because my mum does. My dad's better now anger-wise, and even though he can a be a right unreasonable person at times, hes not hit me, my sister, or anyone else to my knowledge since the divorce.

Now, I fear i might be a pathological liar. My mum told me I must have narcisstic personality disorder, and although I never usually take to heart what she says (she always insults me, always has) I looked it up, and I really do think I have it. I lie about everything. And I dont think about it beforehand... I dont deliberately make a choice to lie... i make the choice subconciously and it slips out. Over the past few years I've lied about so many things - most of which I dont even remember. I lied about having older siblings... and then forced my sister to along with it to my friends. I once lied and said I was a part of a major espionage operation and went crazy trying to make fake letterheads and emails just to "prove" it. Ive lied about the sport classes i take after class (nonexistant btw) and that I have all this cool stuff I dont even think is real. I lied to my closest friends and my family. Oh and I used to steal. Even when I was younger I once stole £500 off of my parents friend... I didnt know what I was going to do with the money - I was only 4-ish at the time. I still, to this very day, steal stuff out of my mums room... but over the years i managed to convince myself the only reason I do it is because unlike other parents, everything with my mum is split into whats "hers" and whats "ours". For example.. any sweets, chocolates etc that she buys, she locks away in the cupboard and we're not allowed to eat one unless we ask her. But unless its a special occasion, her answer is always "No"...so I stopped asking and started taking. Not alot.. but I still stole it off her. Stuff like hairclips and a hairbrush, interesting bits and bobs i found in her room etc (we werent allowed in her room with permission.. even to this very day. Although I'm not surprised - I still cant stop stealing from her)  and I would always get told off for it, but I'd still continue. I never stole off of friends or my dad or any other members of my family though.. and still havent to this very day. Its just my sister's stuff and my mums stuff I take.

I remember though that whenever I stole money off of my mum, her eyes would go green with oppurtunity. Once i stole £150 from her. I used it to help my dad to pay with the food shopping during the weekend. He asked me where i go tthe money from, called my mum, and my mum told him he would have to pay it back to her. Heres the kicker. She told him I had stolen £300! And ontop of being paid the extra £150, she took me down to the school and lied to my headteacher and told her that she didnt get any benefits or child support from my dad... and that she paid for everything. RUBBISH. She was a shopaholic. She spent more money on buying new clothes and putting us into childcare than anything else.

anyway I digress. The point was I lie (and steal - from my mum anyway). I lied about my promiscality... I told my friends I'd already had sex... even though I only had my first kiss at a part yesterday.. and the boy was drunk adn didnt even want to kiss me anyway. I know youre all going to say that im realy insecure inside.. and I agree... but I like living in the fantasy that ive created... and its a part of me.

I dont know... I just need someone to talk to. councillars dont work. They just dont.. I dont know what it is.. but they kind of suck. Well face to face anyway.

I'm giving up hope. I know my situation isnt so bad... but I just feel so lost now.