this is the first time of me telling someone other than my family about this.

he was my best friend. i trusted him with my life. we had been friends for 4 years... everything was perfect. he even came over alot and just hung with me and my family. he went to my church and he was dating my other best friend. so it was us three... totally and compeltely unseperable. i loved them both.

i stuck up for him so much and he did the same.

him and my friend broke up and he called me and asked if i could meet him somewhere to talk.. i didnt think much of it because we use to meet all the time just for talks. i didnt think i had a thing to worry about.

when i got to our secret place.. he got in my car and started saying how much better off he wouldve been if he had dated me... which was weird.. i didnt think of him that way at all. but i just let him talk.. i new he was hurting from the break up..

he touched my legs and said stuff like.. "youre all i have left.."

he did make me feel beautiful and wanted because.. well he wasnt ugly.. he was an amazing guy and girls threw themselves at him all the time.. so even though i didnt like him that way.. it made me feel special that he wanted me...

so i didnt stop him when he rubbed my leg.. and stomach.. i just sat there listening to him.. and watching him smile.. i thought.. if its making him happy.. i dont care..

but i was so wrong to let him touch me in any way.. since i didnt stop him the first time.. he continued to touch me other places... and when i grabbed his hands he pushed harder..

i didnt know exactly what was happening but i knew i didnt want to do any of that..

i started crying and telling him to stop and he started kissing me so i couldnt talk.. he shoved his tongue in my mouth.. and ill never ever forget the things he said.. the noises and smells...

all i know is that i said no.. i cried.. i pulled and pushed.. i told him to get out of my car..

he never stopped.. he put my hand on his private parts and made me touch him.. he moaned and it honestly made me sick to my stomach.. all i stared at was the river..

ill never forget it.. it was the most beautiful day ever.. the sun was out and the weather was amazing.. but the river was so rough and the waves were soooo loud.. it was the only thing i could concentrate on to drown him out.

when i told my parents.. they wanted to go to the police but i said no.. i had sent pictures to him a long time ago.. i regretted it.. but i was dumb and i just sent them.. not thinking.. so if they went to the police.. id get in trouble for sending those kinds of photos..

i feel dirty. i dont care what people say.. i still feel like it was my fault. i tried to kill myself 3 times. i still feel like i cant get out of this rut.. it hurts me.. i cant trust any of my family or friends.. i feel like ill never move on...i feel as if ill never be able to love someone..

please give me advice..? im so stuck.