it's me again

right i dont know what to do, and im really confused because i dont know if i actually have been abused? i think i have.. but my mum keeps putting it into my head that im not. anyway, i'll tell you what has happened - in chronilogical order

when i was a little baby, my mum used to be an alcoholic and whenever i used to cry, she used to leave me in a room to cry and cry - for hours (and even a day!) i had tummy problems too - and my mum told me about leaving me in a room  and was boasting about it to me. i have found out by my dads mum (who im really close to (my gran)) that my dad used to push my mum around, and when he left, he agreed to pay the gas and electric but when he came to my hoiuse, he found loads of bottles (alcohol)  and cigarette packets, so he left. she drove him away too with other things. my mum also boasted about punching my dad twice and flooring him. anyway, that was when i was a baby/ toddler.

so, i dont see him anymore and its been just me and my mum for 10 years now (im 14), all these years, she has hit me (not all the time, but she found her moments) and there was one time when she dragged me round by the hair, up the stairs (kicked me up) just to pin me on my bed and hit me :'(. i cant get that image out of my head :s she always usd to pin me doen and hit me.. or corner me and hit me :(

last year, she cornered me and was about to hit me so i grabbed her hand and she put mine behind my back and dug her nails into me - which left a scar. aswell as the 'physical abuse' she used to always call me names (still does) and took everything out on me. she used to scream in my face (still does) and was soo hoirrible.  it has taken away my self esteem and has lefty me so scared. i think i am useless and deserved to be bullied and hit. and im starting to lose focuse with my school work :/ she seems to be strong, and im really weak. its haunting me and giving me nightmares and flashback (which i feel stupid and scared to tell anyone about) somenight, i get scared to sleep incase i have another nightmare :/ 

my auntie found out about my mum but she didnt know everything. so she made me ring childline and tell school, so i did. but not everything came out. no one knows about when i were younger, they dont know about the proper abuse ( i dont think) the only person who knows is my gran. shes soo good to me.

ive been scared to write on here.. and im wanting to tell the teacher again.. but im slightly worried. my mum knows that i rung childline.. and she wasn't happy! she is now mentally abusing me and emotionally abuseing me :( saying im an attention seeker and im making her out to be an abuser and neglector when shes not. but i didnt tell everyone  everything... and my mum and step dad have been argueing and im stuck what to do... im going to try talking to my teacher next week... but i dont know how to start the convo off :/ helppp!! im shaking now as i speak.. and ive been really down.. and im soo emotional to! all the memories 'haunt' me in a way :/ im glad she doesnt hit me.. bu its the haunting and emotional and mental abuse... eeeekk! am i stupid? am i a wimp?! help

sorry its long xx