Ask Sam

To Sam 24 July 2013

I feel worthless...

I will try to write this letter as best I can. I know how I feel, but once I start to try to express it---even in something as simple as writing---I don't know what to say, as if my sadness wants to stay inside me. Anyway, I have been feeling sad these last few days. Overally, I just feel worthless and lost. You know, growing up is never easy, but I find myself constantly going back to that place within me where I just hate myself. I'll look at myself and just realize that no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be pretty or smart. I have a beautiful younger sister and God knows that I don't hate her, but really, she's the pretty one in my family. My brother's handsome too. My mom and grandma never tell me that I'm pretty, and I learned to accept that which is why I could never hate or feel truly feel jealous of my sister. I'm happy that she's pretty, but sometimes, I just wish that someone would tell me that I'm pretty too. I used to exercise because of course, "if you don't like something then change it," but even then, no one told me that I was pretty so I just stopped exercising, and then I just stopped caring altogether. I feel like I'm going through the motions each day, trying to find some way to validate my existence, but it all ends with the same thoughts, "What's my purpose," and "Why am I so lost"? Tell me, when does someone truly find their place in this world? I absolutely hate feeling sorry for myself because honestly, who does that? Why would someone want to do that in the first place? It's such a horrible feeling, yet here I am again, in that same situation. Try as I might---and I have tried, really hard---I can never think of myself positively. When I do , it doesn't last long or reality hit s me and I realize that I'm in some sort of self-denial. Why do insecurities exist? My personality sucks so I've also come to terms with the fact that I'll probably be lonely for the rest of my life. Who would want to be with someone who has little regard for herself anyway? I see everyone else adjusting so why can't I? Why must I make myself so closed off from everyone else? Even if you don't hear me completely, or see this letter, thanks for listening, Sam, and anyone else who sees this letter. I actually do feel a bit better...

Sam 24 July 2013

Hi there,

I can hear how difficult it has been to write to me but I’m really pleased that you have managed to. You’ve done very well explaining things and it’s really good to hear that just being able to share how you’re feeling has been really helpful to you.

I can see that while you and your sister have been growing up, you've been made to feel you don’t matter, and I have to say that you’ve done really well to see that it’s your family that have behaved this way and not to blame your sister.

You’ve said how you’ve tried different ways of deal with this but they haven’t provided you with the love and attention that you would like and deserve. It sounds like you’ve learned to cope with this the best way you can - by protecting yourself from being hurt by shutting down your feelings and stopping caring about yourself. However, this has made you feel more lost and sorry for yourself which you really don’t like. It’s wrong that your family have made you feel like this when you are as important and worthwhile as your sister and brother. Sometimes families don’t realise the impact of what they’re doing and saying so it can help to let them know how you’re feeling. If you don’t feel able to talk to them then some young people have said how writing a letter can really work for them - as it allows them to say everything without interruption. Also you can leave the letter with your family at a time when you’re not going to be around for a while.

I can hear that because you’ve become so low it’s difficult to be positive for any length of time and you can’t see that things will ever get better for you. I know that with the right help and support things can change. It can take time, a lot of hard work and a lot of faith but it can happen. You’ve written to me today and this is a great first step in getting some support for yourself. You’ve also said how sharing how you feel in this letter has helped you feel a bit better so I think you may find talking to one of the counsellors at ChildLine helpful too.

You are such a good writer that you may prefer to use writing to talk to a counsellor. You can do this using an online 1-2-1 chat through the ChildLine website or you can send emails once you’ve set up an account. It can take up to 24 hours for the counsellors to reply to emails but chat is more immediate. You can also phone up on 0800 1111 (calls are free and won’t show up on bills).

I really hope you will feel able to talk to someone at ChildLine and get some support for yourself.

Take care,

Sam

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Contact a counsellor online or call 0800 1111. Calls are free and confidential.

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