Ask Sam

Hi

Thanks so much for your letter. I can hear how painful it still is for you to think about your dad. Many people find after they lose someone they can feel a wide range of emotions including feeling sad, jealous, or upset. It can take time to get through all these feelings, and it’s natural to still feel emotional sometimes, even years after someone has died. It sounds like you are now at a point where you’d like an answer to some of the questions you have about your dad, but you’re scared this will be too upsetting for you.

I can hear how hurtful it was for you when your friend didn’t believe that your dad had died. When someone dies it can put a strain on your relationships with other people because you really want someone to understand how painful it is for you. But just because one person reacted badly, it doesn’t mean other people will act the same way. It might be helpful to try talk to another family member, or friend that you trust, about your dad and how you’re feeling now.
 
You’ve said that you’re thinking about talking to your mum, but that you’re scared of crying. Crying in front of other people can make you feel very vulnerable, but it also gives you a chance to let out some of your feelings, and allows other people a chance to comfort you. Although I can hear that your mum won’t want to upset you, she may also be pleased that you want to know things about your dad. If you think it would be hard to start the conversation face to face, perhaps you could write her a letter with some of your questions, or an email? You could even show her the letter you’ve written to me.

It might also be an idea to think of some new ways to help you deal with your sadness. These may include physical things like running, cycling, skipping or creative things, such as writing poems or drawing how you feel. You could look at the Explore page on When someone dies for more ideas on managing your feelings.

Counselling can be very helpful in dealing with all these different feelings. Cruse are a bereavement service who can give support and information on how to deal with feelings of loss. They have an email and helpline service for young people, which you can read about on their website.

ChildLine counsellors are here 24 hours a day if you want to talk to someone about how you feel and you can say as much or as little as you want. You can phone 0800 1111 or log onto the ChildLine website for a 1-2-1 chat.

Take care,

Sam.