When someone dies

Grieving and dealing with loss

The death of someone you care about can be very difficult. You can also be upset about the death of an animal or pet. This can hurt as much as a relative or friend dying. It's natural to have strong reactions when someone you love or are close to dies.

You might feel:

like you can't handle things
confused
scared, numb or that you’ve lost control
worried that you may never feel okay again.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel better straight away. These feelings will change over time. It's important to accept how you feel.

3 ways to cope with grief:

talk to someone who’ll listen to how you feel
try to accept your feelings – cry if you feel like it
look after yourself – remember to eat well and get plenty of rest.

How to cope when someone dies

It’s important to remember that feeling upset, scared or worried is normal. It's natural for you to feel this way if someone has died. You might find these emotions very tough to deal with but there are things that can help you cope.

Talk to someone

It may feel difficult to talk to people who are close to you, who are also grieving. You might worry that you’ll upset them more. If your family can share their feelings then that can be helpful. But if not, you can always talk to Childline. After some time, your family may feel ready to talk about things.

Try to accept your feelings – cry if you feel like it

Nobody can tell you how you should be feeling about the death of someone close – everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. Crying is one way, and is not a weakness. It can be a huge relief to cry your feelings out. If you don’t feel like crying, don’t worry. That's also okay. There are many different ways of grieving, so go with how you feel and be patient with yourself. It may take time for your feelings to settle.

Look after yourself

Do your best to eat well and get plenty of rest. You may find that you want to sleep more, especially soon after someone has died. You may also have dreams about the person who has died. This is your body’s way of coping with what has happened. If you can't sleep, you could have a look at our advice about problems with sleeping for helpful tips. If you feel like it, doing some exercise may help you to de-stress and cope with tiredness and anxiety.

can't make
sense
out of this

If you're struggling to cope after someone has died, we can support you

When a death is unexpected

Sometimes people die very unexpectedly. You might find that, as well as the pain of losing someone you love, you’re also dealing with severe shock, anxiety or fear.

If the person you love ended their own life, it can be a very confusing and frightening time for you. If they died as a result of an accident or an attack, you might find that you’re also processing the shock of what happened for a while.

It’s important to get support if you’re dealing with this kind of bereavement. A Childline counsellor is always there to listen and can provide advice about who to contact if you need further support. You can always call Childline on 0800 1111 to speak to someone who cares.

Reactions to losing someone you love

Everyone reacts to death in different ways. Some of the ways that people react include feeling:

Shocked or numb

You might have trouble believing that the person has died, or feel like you can't take it in. You might have thoughts and feelings that you haven't felt before.

Angry

You might be angry at other people, or at the person who has died. It's also normal to be angry with anything else, even normal things that you aren't usually bothered by. All of these feelings are natural reactions to losing someone you love.

Guilty

You might be blaming yourself in some way for what has happened. Maybe you had an argument before they died. Or regret something you said or did. There might be something you wish you could have done. It's normal to be left with these difficult feelings. But it's important not to blame yourself. It might be helpful to ask yourself what the person you’ve lost might say about your feelings. Would they want you to feel responsible for things in the past that can no longer be changed? What might they say to you if they were still able to talk to you?

Scared

It may seem like everything has changed very suddenly. This can feel very scary. You might also be worried about practical things such as money or where you're going to live. Things may not be the same. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be happier times in the future.

Relieved

If someone was very ill or was suffering you might feel relief that their pain has stopped. You might feel relieved or happy if someone who was hurting you or abusing you has died. All of these thoughts and feelings are normal. It can be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you feel.

Depressed

You might feel like life has no meaning anymore, and that you don't know how to go on. You may feel that you want to be with the person who has died. Be patient – in time you may find it is easier to cope.

Sometimes people you’re close to find it too difficult to hear about these thoughts and feelings. You may find it easier to talk to another adult that you trust or chat to a Childline counsellor. Read about coping with depression.

Who to talk to about how you’re feeling

However you’re feeling, you don't have to cope on your own. You can get support by talking to people. You could try talking to:

someone you trust, such as a family member or close friend
a teacher or another adult at school
a Childline counsellor
other people who’ve experienced similar feelings – look at our message board thread about bereavement

If you’re finding things difficult, it might be a good idea to visit your doctor. They may be able to give you some support with getting through the first few months as you adjust to such a big change.

they made me feel
important
and like my worries
mattered

Need to talk? Get in touch

When an online friend dies

It can be really difficult if you find out that one of your online friends has died. You might feel very upset but find it hard to explain this to others. Some people might think you shouldn’t feel so sad because you didn’t know this person in the ‘real’ world.

But losing an online friend, especially one that you felt close to, can bring about the same feelings of loss and grief as losing a friend you know in person.

If this happens, you might find it helpful to speak to other people who were also online friends with them. You could also speak to an adult you trust about how you feel. Childline counsellors are here to listen to you and support you.

Feeling depressed, sad or unhappy?

Dealing with stress and anxiety

Helping someone else cope with death

It can be hard for you when a family member or friend is finding it difficult to cope with the death of someone.
You can try:

letting them know that you’re there to listen to them
giving them space if they want to be alone
being there for them if they want to cry or talk about their feelings
encouraging them to think of the happy times they had with the person who died
reminding them that it can take a long time to feel better and that this is normal
doing things like make a cup of tea for them or help with chores.

Sometimes things at home can change when someone dies. Normal routines may be different. There may be a different adult who looks after you. If you have a younger brother or sister, you may have to support them too.

Remember that you can't be responsible for making them feel better. It can sometimes be hard to help someone – so it's important that you get support for yourself too. You could do this by talking to a Childline counsellor or asking an adult for help.

You may also find our pages on family relationships and being a young carer helpful.

Saying goodbye to someone who has died

Funerals and memorial services

Funerals can be scary, especially if you've never been to one before. There are many different kinds of funerals. Usually, a funeral is a ceremony for friends and family to celebrate the life of the person who has died. It’s a way of saying a final goodbye to the person who has died. Afterwards their body may be cremated or buried.

Often, a funeral is a religious event, but it doesn't have to be. Prayers might be said. And family or friends may be invited to say a little about the person who has died. Sometimes they’ll play music or read poetry that was special to the deceased. Different religions have slightly different ways of having this ceremony.

Friends and family will often try to make sure the funeral is what the person who died would’ve wanted. Sometimes this is based on how they knew the person. Other times, it’s mentioned in a document called a will. A will is a list of instructions that people can leave to let their families know what they want to happen after their death.

If you don't go to the funeral or memorial service, you might feel sad or left out. You could think of other ways to remember the person who has died. Take a look at the bereavement thread on our message boards to see how other people cope.

Burials and cremations

Often, the person who has died is buried in a special place – usually a cemetery or churchyard – while family and friends are gathered round. Afterwards, a gravestone with their name is usually put up to mark the spot. This is where you can bring flowers or other things to show how much you cared for them. This can be a comforting thing to do as a reminder of how special they were to you.

At a cremation, the coffin will be taken away at the end of the service (either behind a curtain or lowered down). The coffin and the body will be burned. Later on, the ashes that are left will be given back to the family or friends of the deceased. Some time after the cremation, they will either bury or scatter the ashes in a place that the person loved.

Families often make the choice between burial and cremation based on what the person who died would’ve wanted. Often, the person who died might’ve said whether they would prefer to be buried or cremated in their will. (A will is a list of instructions to let people know what they want to happen after their death.)

These can be very emotional ceremonies. If you want to talk about someone who’s died, we’re here for you.

Remembering someone who has died

Think about the happy times you had together. You could collect special reminders such as photos or gifts that help you remember the good times you had together. You can keep these in a box or safe place so you’ll always be reminded of the person.

You might want to do this straight away, or you may want to wait a while. You may not want to do it at all. The most important thing is finding what feels right for you.

You may find that birthdays and special events are times when you miss them most. Doing something to remember them can really help.

Other sites that can help:

Hope Again is the Cruse Bereavement Care website for young people living after loss
Grief Encounter provides advice, coping tips, blogs and information for bereaved young people
Winston's Wish offers support for bereaved children and young people
Child Bereavement isthere to give you support
Sands can help anyone affected by the death of a baby
The Miscarriage Association can support you if you have had a miscarriage
Hope offer support if you have a family member with a life-threatening illness and a helpline you can call on 01989 566317.